The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
