i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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