It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize