saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
