foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
