Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
