i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
