I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
