I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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