this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
