Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
