seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
