I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
