I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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