I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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