i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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