He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
