it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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