It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
50% drunk capacity currently
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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