I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
