No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
