Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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