There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
