I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
