Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
