I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
