nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
