I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize