You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
