i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
