Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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