Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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