and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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