Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
