why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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