Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
