I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
