dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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