that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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