he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
