I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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