So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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