He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize