....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just gift wrapped bread.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
