I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
