my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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