I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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