I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
