I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
