I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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