Umm I'm too high to move.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
