Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
