he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
