Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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